High Expectations

I don't want to be best friends with someone who doesn't care enough to come talk to me about something that's wrong. I don't want to be best friends with someone who doesn't respect what I think, or how I feel about certain topics. I don't want a best friend who isn't there for me when I need her.

I want a best friend who will make plans with me because she wants to see me.

I want a best friend who won't ditch me because she forgot, because she always forgot, she had plans with me and made new plans.

I want a best friend who gives a crap about me.

I want a best friend who knows there's a risk they'll get yelled at when I'm upset, but tries despite that risk.

I want a best friend who understands I know I stand the same risks, and I stay anyway.

I want a best friend who will tell me when something is wrong with us, so we can try to work through it together.

I want a best friend who won't get mad at me every time my advice ends up being hypocritical, because I'm not always the best at practicing what I preach, even if I know it's better for me.

I want a best friend who gets that I know it's hard to do what's best, but I'm just trying to help keep my best friend from making the same mistakes as me. 

But most of all:

I want a best friend who loves me for me. ALL of me. Not just parts of me, and especially not just the parts that benefit her. 

But I guess those are pretty high expectations for a best friend these days. 

So what's better? Settle for lower expectations, or settle for no best friend at all? Doesn't really matter, I guess. Either way, I'll be alone.

Dear Kim,

I didn't think I would cry, so I was a little surprised that I did.

But, I attribute it to finally saying something I'd never even vividly thought to my self.

Everything else I said had been thought in one way or another.

Almost everything you said, I'd heard before.

            But you did surprise me with one thing.

And yet, you say you're sincere with your apology, and even if you are, why should I believe it?

Why should I believe you're truly sorry? Especially when you can't even name the things you're sorry for. It's not that hard to fake a sincere apology when it's just "I'm sorry." It's not as easy to fake a real apology when it's                   "I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for everything I've ever said that's hurt you. I'm sorry I did things that bothered you. I'm sorry I never realized they hurt you. I'm sorry I never got to talk to you, to know that things I did hurt you that way. I'm sorry I wasn't the person you wanted me to be [for you]. And I'm sorry I'll probably never be that person."

So, all that is true. I know I haven't necessarily said it all to your face, but I'll try next time I see you, if I have the opportunity.

But it's too bad I know you well enough, err, well, I guess I actually barely know you now. But either way, I've been around you enough to know you didn't say what you really wanted to say. You barely spoke. There's no way you said what you wanted to. 

I opened up to you, and again, got left standing emotionally naked in my own room. My comfort zone. I felt uncomfortable in my one true place of comfort. Sad, isn't it?

I wish I could say I'll wait for the day you care enough to come tell me how you really feel. But I'd probably be lying. I won't be waiting for that day, because I don't ever expect it to come. And, if it ever does come, I probably won't give two shits about it by that time, because I'll be hardened to this whole experience. That part of me won't be there anymore; the side of me that will want to fix things, and make them all better will be gone. 

Even now, sure, I want things fixed. But I don't think my idea of fixed and your idea of fixed are the same anymore. They haven't been for a while.

So, sure, I'll be waiting to try to fix things. But, I have no expectations of it's outcome. I already told you, even though I care, and part of me will always care about you, I will be okay if we parted ways. It's not like either of us would completely disappear from each other's lives immediately, but eventually that day might come, and I'd be just fine. 

I wish I could say the same for you, so that I could not feel bad thinking I might be hurting you. But I'll never know, because you'll never tell.

Clothes aren't optional.

I feel so uncomfortable now.

It's like I'm standing naked in a room while you stand there clothed.
I mean, I felt bad letting you say what you did, when I knew it wasn't true. And for that, I guess I'm sorry. But, I'm also not sorry, because if I had told you not to say it, it would have been humiliating for you, and I still would have felt bad.

Oh well. If you know, you haven't said anything yet.

But I want my clothes back, because clothes aren't optional.

Severing Bonds?

Have you ever been so attached to someone, that no matter what they do, you can't help but still want to be with them? Romantically, friendly, or otherwise?

That was how I felt.

And then, one night, I wrote a fairly angry, but not like, overly angry blog. I was frustrated, and tired of all the bullshit. I posted it, but it only stayed up for about an hour. I took it down before anyone could see it, because I know it wasn't the right thing to do. And when I talked about it, I mentioned breaking it off after such and such a time. And I've realized, even though I never actually had the breaking it off conversation, I'd already ended it. In my heart, anyway.

It's not like my feelings are completely gone; they're just not a prominent part of my heart anymore. In some ways, that part of my heart is dead. In others, it's just wounded, or deflated, or...I don't really know how to say it. It kind of feels nonexistent at the moment, but I know it's still there.

I guess I'll just have to wait for another person to come along and make me love them that much.

Us

It's just not the same anymore. I think I've all ready accepted that.

But this was just further proof of the thought, that feeling.
I'm a walking contradiction, because I care so much, but so little at the same time.
In a lot of ways, I really don't give a shit one way or the other, and yet I still don't want to see anyone get hurt.

I won't lie; part of me is really going to miss it, but none of me regrets it.

This is me, and I'm okay.

Letting Go - I Needed to Let Go

A part of me died yesterday. Maybe it actually died a while ago, but I'm only noticing it now. Either way, I'm done. Completely finished. I will always care, but I'm not going to be the one who is always there anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over, like I don't matter for shit. I'm tired of being called mean and a bitch for being honest, so that maybe she might learn something. I'm just done. One day, maybe she'll understand why, but most likely not. She's never going to understand until she hits rock bottom. She's never going to see what other people see until there is nobody left willing to pick her back up. But there is always going to end up being someone there, someone who will let themselves be walked all over for the sake of a friend. But it is no longer going to be me. Not anymore.

It sucks to think that I went through somewhere between five and six years thinking she was my best friend. Turns out I was wrong. I feel I was always a best friend to her, but she was hardly ever a best friend to me. All of the times I willingly went way the hell out of my way for her, because she was my best friend, and that's part of what best friends do. All of the times I put myself out on a limb to help her through all the situations she'd managed to get herself into, because she needed a friend, and I was always willing to help. All of the times I made the plans because she never bothered to make the effort. All of the times I got blown off for absolutely no reason, other than she couldn't even remember the plans her "best friend" made with her. Or all of the times I needed someone to talk to and she was too busy with whatever small thing, (which I always ended up finding out was really nothing important) to even listen. And the few times she offered her time to me for talking, she got mad when I didn't want to talk about it. It wasn’t even just her. It was: I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it. Not at that moment in time.

And she tells me I'm hypocritical because I'm not always the best at taking my own advice, despite the fact that I've told her from the get-go that I can be hypocritical at times because I'm not always the best at managing to do what I say should be done. She knows that, and yet now it's her attack. "You're being just as immature as any of us, and you're being hypocritical. Why don't you take your own advice before preaching it to anybody else?" Well here's a newsflash: I wouldn't be saying it if I never did it, because I wouldn't know it. Oh, and another newsflash, don't act like you're the only one who has friends that question why we're even friends. And my answer to why I put up with all of it was always "because she's my best friend, and I love her more than anything." According to you, I'm always against you, but that is crap and we both know it. I stood up for you so many times you wouldn't even believe.  So don't give me the bullshit about me being against you and this and that and the other thing. I defend Omar not because he is my boyfriend, but because I agree with him. And besides that, anybody who doesn't agree with you or give you your way ends up facing your wrath. Whoo! Yay for fun time.

And as for the apologies, don't apologize to me. I know you don't really mean them. Especially when you follow your apology with the statement that you won't apologize for being human and being upset. No freaking shit... you ARE human. I don't expect any apologies from you, especially not an apology for that little known fact of existence. But it really was the perfect way to show you don't actually feel bad about what you're apologizing for. But hey, there was never any argument there.

And aside from the crude language and a few behavioral mishaps during the last few days, I actually have been pretty damn mature about all this. But since I'm getting every aspect of my being analyzed and ripped apart, it makes me immature because haven't always been able to be mature in my past problem situations.

P.S. When I said facebook is a more effective means of talking than texting is (in my opinion), I was talking about messaging on facebook, not talking on a status that everyone and their mom can read. I mean really? Do you honestly think I'm that fucking stupid? And as for texting: I hope you realize that at least half, if not more, of the cell phones in the world are like mine. Once you reach that 160 character mark, you need to start a new message. So that was a very ignorant thing to say about it only being MY phone. Also, most people tend to type faster than they can text, making it a more effective means of communicating, hands down. And aside from even that, I said facebook wasn't as effective as a phone call or in person in my comment right before the mile long comment, so the sarcastic and sneered remarks about hoping I appreciated the really big chunk of text over a phone call, or in person, makes that whole little paragraph seem pretty stupid. Especially since I'm being bashed, or I'm supposed to be anyway, and things that I’ve already brought up myself are being falsely brought to attention again.

As an end note:

There's no point in me caring about someone who really doesn't give a shit about anything. She says she does, but she really doesn't, at least not the way she thinks she does. And yet, I know I will continue to care despite that. I will never just stop caring. I will just learn that I've tried my very best to get through that thick fucking skull of hers, and she still hasn't learned one life lesson I've basically handed to her on a silver platter. So I officially give up. I hope she learns someday, but if she doesn't, well then I feel sorry for her, and for the people who suffer while trying to keep her happy. I love her, but I'm just not down to keep doing that anymore.

And I also realize I went back and forth from "she" and "her" to "you." Can't really be helped though. A lot of what I was thinking was difficult to always covert out of the "you" form.   

I'm sick and tired of all this shit.


Grow the fuck  up.

I choose not to care.

If I'm not going to get anything back, I choose not to exert all this excess energy.