High Expectations

I don't want to be best friends with someone who doesn't care enough to come talk to me about something that's wrong. I don't want to be best friends with someone who doesn't respect what I think, or how I feel about certain topics. I don't want a best friend who isn't there for me when I need her.

I want a best friend who will make plans with me because she wants to see me.

I want a best friend who won't ditch me because she forgot, because she always forgot, she had plans with me and made new plans.

I want a best friend who gives a crap about me.

I want a best friend who knows there's a risk they'll get yelled at when I'm upset, but tries despite that risk.

I want a best friend who understands I know I stand the same risks, and I stay anyway.

I want a best friend who will tell me when something is wrong with us, so we can try to work through it together.

I want a best friend who won't get mad at me every time my advice ends up being hypocritical, because I'm not always the best at practicing what I preach, even if I know it's better for me.

I want a best friend who gets that I know it's hard to do what's best, but I'm just trying to help keep my best friend from making the same mistakes as me. 

But most of all:

I want a best friend who loves me for me. ALL of me. Not just parts of me, and especially not just the parts that benefit her. 

But I guess those are pretty high expectations for a best friend these days. 

So what's better? Settle for lower expectations, or settle for no best friend at all? Doesn't really matter, I guess. Either way, I'll be alone.

Dear Kim,

I didn't think I would cry, so I was a little surprised that I did.

But, I attribute it to finally saying something I'd never even vividly thought to my self.

Everything else I said had been thought in one way or another.

Almost everything you said, I'd heard before.

            But you did surprise me with one thing.

And yet, you say you're sincere with your apology, and even if you are, why should I believe it?

Why should I believe you're truly sorry? Especially when you can't even name the things you're sorry for. It's not that hard to fake a sincere apology when it's just "I'm sorry." It's not as easy to fake a real apology when it's                   "I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for everything I've ever said that's hurt you. I'm sorry I did things that bothered you. I'm sorry I never realized they hurt you. I'm sorry I never got to talk to you, to know that things I did hurt you that way. I'm sorry I wasn't the person you wanted me to be [for you]. And I'm sorry I'll probably never be that person."

So, all that is true. I know I haven't necessarily said it all to your face, but I'll try next time I see you, if I have the opportunity.

But it's too bad I know you well enough, err, well, I guess I actually barely know you now. But either way, I've been around you enough to know you didn't say what you really wanted to say. You barely spoke. There's no way you said what you wanted to. 

I opened up to you, and again, got left standing emotionally naked in my own room. My comfort zone. I felt uncomfortable in my one true place of comfort. Sad, isn't it?

I wish I could say I'll wait for the day you care enough to come tell me how you really feel. But I'd probably be lying. I won't be waiting for that day, because I don't ever expect it to come. And, if it ever does come, I probably won't give two shits about it by that time, because I'll be hardened to this whole experience. That part of me won't be there anymore; the side of me that will want to fix things, and make them all better will be gone. 

Even now, sure, I want things fixed. But I don't think my idea of fixed and your idea of fixed are the same anymore. They haven't been for a while.

So, sure, I'll be waiting to try to fix things. But, I have no expectations of it's outcome. I already told you, even though I care, and part of me will always care about you, I will be okay if we parted ways. It's not like either of us would completely disappear from each other's lives immediately, but eventually that day might come, and I'd be just fine. 

I wish I could say the same for you, so that I could not feel bad thinking I might be hurting you. But I'll never know, because you'll never tell.