Letting Go - I Needed to Let Go

A part of me died yesterday. Maybe it actually died a while ago, but I'm only noticing it now. Either way, I'm done. Completely finished. I will always care, but I'm not going to be the one who is always there anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over, like I don't matter for shit. I'm tired of being called mean and a bitch for being honest, so that maybe she might learn something. I'm just done. One day, maybe she'll understand why, but most likely not. She's never going to understand until she hits rock bottom. She's never going to see what other people see until there is nobody left willing to pick her back up. But there is always going to end up being someone there, someone who will let themselves be walked all over for the sake of a friend. But it is no longer going to be me. Not anymore.

It sucks to think that I went through somewhere between five and six years thinking she was my best friend. Turns out I was wrong. I feel I was always a best friend to her, but she was hardly ever a best friend to me. All of the times I willingly went way the hell out of my way for her, because she was my best friend, and that's part of what best friends do. All of the times I put myself out on a limb to help her through all the situations she'd managed to get herself into, because she needed a friend, and I was always willing to help. All of the times I made the plans because she never bothered to make the effort. All of the times I got blown off for absolutely no reason, other than she couldn't even remember the plans her "best friend" made with her. Or all of the times I needed someone to talk to and she was too busy with whatever small thing, (which I always ended up finding out was really nothing important) to even listen. And the few times she offered her time to me for talking, she got mad when I didn't want to talk about it. It wasn’t even just her. It was: I didn’t want to talk to anybody about it. Not at that moment in time.

And she tells me I'm hypocritical because I'm not always the best at taking my own advice, despite the fact that I've told her from the get-go that I can be hypocritical at times because I'm not always the best at managing to do what I say should be done. She knows that, and yet now it's her attack. "You're being just as immature as any of us, and you're being hypocritical. Why don't you take your own advice before preaching it to anybody else?" Well here's a newsflash: I wouldn't be saying it if I never did it, because I wouldn't know it. Oh, and another newsflash, don't act like you're the only one who has friends that question why we're even friends. And my answer to why I put up with all of it was always "because she's my best friend, and I love her more than anything." According to you, I'm always against you, but that is crap and we both know it. I stood up for you so many times you wouldn't even believe.  So don't give me the bullshit about me being against you and this and that and the other thing. I defend Omar not because he is my boyfriend, but because I agree with him. And besides that, anybody who doesn't agree with you or give you your way ends up facing your wrath. Whoo! Yay for fun time.

And as for the apologies, don't apologize to me. I know you don't really mean them. Especially when you follow your apology with the statement that you won't apologize for being human and being upset. No freaking shit... you ARE human. I don't expect any apologies from you, especially not an apology for that little known fact of existence. But it really was the perfect way to show you don't actually feel bad about what you're apologizing for. But hey, there was never any argument there.

And aside from the crude language and a few behavioral mishaps during the last few days, I actually have been pretty damn mature about all this. But since I'm getting every aspect of my being analyzed and ripped apart, it makes me immature because haven't always been able to be mature in my past problem situations.

P.S. When I said facebook is a more effective means of talking than texting is (in my opinion), I was talking about messaging on facebook, not talking on a status that everyone and their mom can read. I mean really? Do you honestly think I'm that fucking stupid? And as for texting: I hope you realize that at least half, if not more, of the cell phones in the world are like mine. Once you reach that 160 character mark, you need to start a new message. So that was a very ignorant thing to say about it only being MY phone. Also, most people tend to type faster than they can text, making it a more effective means of communicating, hands down. And aside from even that, I said facebook wasn't as effective as a phone call or in person in my comment right before the mile long comment, so the sarcastic and sneered remarks about hoping I appreciated the really big chunk of text over a phone call, or in person, makes that whole little paragraph seem pretty stupid. Especially since I'm being bashed, or I'm supposed to be anyway, and things that I’ve already brought up myself are being falsely brought to attention again.

As an end note:

There's no point in me caring about someone who really doesn't give a shit about anything. She says she does, but she really doesn't, at least not the way she thinks she does. And yet, I know I will continue to care despite that. I will never just stop caring. I will just learn that I've tried my very best to get through that thick fucking skull of hers, and she still hasn't learned one life lesson I've basically handed to her on a silver platter. So I officially give up. I hope she learns someday, but if she doesn't, well then I feel sorry for her, and for the people who suffer while trying to keep her happy. I love her, but I'm just not down to keep doing that anymore.

And I also realize I went back and forth from "she" and "her" to "you." Can't really be helped though. A lot of what I was thinking was difficult to always covert out of the "you" form.